Just Say No! How to Tell a Surrogate She's Not the Right Match

Being a gestational surrogate for someone who is unable to carry their own child is a wonderful opportunity and an incredible gift. It’s not every day that a woman would offer to do that for a friend or family member. It’s hard to imagine how disappointing it would feel to have that offer declined. Surrogacy is an incredibly life changing event, and choosing who will carry a child for you is not a decision to be taken lightly.

Here are a few points to help you out with this conversation.

Be sure to tell her how much you appreciate her offering such a gift. Let her know that you’re honored she would consider such an undertaking for you. Your declining may feel very much like rejection, so it’s important to express how grateful you are to your friend or family member.

Explain that you value your relationship, as well as the relationships of others involved, friends and family, and you’d hate to have any of that compromised. Whether independently matched or through the use of an agency, surrogacy is a complicated process. It can be difficult to discuss legal and delicate financial issues with someone you have a close relationship with. The thought of having to make tough decisions during the process may also be harder if you have a close, personal tie with your surrogate.

You’ll also want to share with your generous friend/family member that there are strict surrogacy guidelines. She must meet specific medical, personal and mental health requirements. You may actually have knowledge of a certain disqualifier and can talk with her about that. For example, she may not have given birth to any children of her own yet. That exclude her from being a surrogate until after she’s had her own family. Not everyone receives clearance in all of these areas and is able to become a surrogate. 

An important aspect of the surrogacy process to consider is the type of relationship you’ll have with your gestational carrier. Although a friendship where you’ll see the woman who carried your baby sounds like a wonderful outcome, it’s not what all intended parents are looking for. Many imagine being forever grateful to the surrogate, but raising their child in their own circle of friends and family, separate from hers. They maintain a level of contact that is comfortable for them that they can adjust as they feel appropriate. This would be impossible to do with a close friend or family member, and could cause strain on relationships. 

This conversation is definitely going to cause some discomfort, but not as much as if you proceed with a surrogacy arrangement that you don’t feel good about. Being honest and upfront is the best way to approach things. Just remember that offering to carry a child for someone comes from a selfless and generous place, and that person has the best intentions. Once you discuss some of the points we’ve covered here, she’s sure to better understand your decision. 

Please visit our website at NewEnglandSurro.com and click on Set Up A Free Consult to speak with a staff member about starting on your own surrogacy journey.