Dear Savvy Surrogate: Giving the Baby Back to the Parent

Dear Savvy Surrogate: I’m really interested in being a gestational surrogate and am in the research process right now.  One thing that I’m unsure about is how I’ll deal with “giving up” the baby. I also worry about how I’ll explain it to others that ask.  Help!  -Oven for their Bun

Dear OVFB: When you’re considering surrogacy and everyone keeps asking the same question; “Won’t it be hard to give up the baby?” it’s hard to know what to say! Of course, all surrogates wonder about the moment when they hand the baby to their parents for the first time at some point. 

You know that amazing feeling of giving birth to your own children and the incredible bond you immediately felt? A lot of surrogates express their concern about those moments right after birth, worried that they’ll have those same feelings for the surrogate baby. As a pregnant woman everyone and their neighbor feels like it’s ok to ask a lot of intimately person questions. And when you are a surrogate? You get even more questions! How do you handle those about “giving up your baby” and the feelings that brings up?

One thing to remember is that although you’re carrying the baby for roughly 9 months it’s not genetically related to you. It’s like the t-shirt says, “Their Bun, My Oven”. You’ll be nurturing the baby and taking the best care possible, like you did with your own children, however the embryo is not yours biologically so you form a different type of attachment to the baby. You became a surrogate so that you could carry a child for someone else who was unable to. You’re not giving up a child that belongs to you and many surrogates actually profess that the biggest bond formed is with the parents they are carrying for!

Of course you’ll be walking through this journey alongside the intended parents. Meeting the people you’re going to give this amazing gift to is an exciting part of the process. This happens well before the transfer so you have a chance to get to know them and, depending on the desired relationship, maybe get to spend some time together. It’s a team effort, and the end goal is for them to have the joy of being parents like you already have with your family. It certainly can be difficult to imagine what that moment will look like. It’s different for everyone. I can speak from my own personal experience as a surrogate. To witness the parents meeting their baby for the very first time is an unforgettable experience that I will treasure forever and never forget. It felt very natural and easy to hand them their child.

Also, don’t forget that your surrogacy agency is here for you. Your case manager and everyone at New England Surrogacy is here to support you. If you have questions or concerns about what to expect at the delivery, you should ask. It’s best to talk through this ahead of time, rather than in the moment. We have meet ups, tons of information on our website, and experienced staff to provide support on your surrogacy journey. 

One of the things I’ve found to be true with surrogacy is that it’s not for everyone. Whether it’s when you’ve just started the application process or when you’re mid-pregnancy, people feel oddly comfortable asking immensely personal questions, one of which is how you’re going to “give up the baby.” They also tell you how they could never do that themselves.  Depending on the situation, you can give an answer something like, “The baby isn’t genetically related to me. I’m carrying for some wonderful people who couldn’t on their own. I love my family, and we’re really excited to help build theirs as well.” This is the kind of answer I would give to the cashier at the grocery store who asked my children if they’re excited to have a little brother or sister, or to a co-worker in the elevator. You also don’t have to answer them at all! Share as much or as little as you want about your surrogacy journey.

Surrogacy isn’t something that everyone is familiar or comfortable with just yet. People mean well, and they’re curious. If people want to learn more about the journey of a surrogate in general, New England Surrogacy has some great resources including FAQs, videos, blogs, and we’re even on Facebook.

Please click the link to submit your intake form through the New England Surrogacy website when you’re ready to be considered for our surrogacy program. 

Good luck!

The Savvy Surrogate